Water Who knew the source of all life on Earth could also be the source of the life of the party? I saw on "Dateline" or somewhere that drinking enough H2O will create an imbalance in your body's salt levels and leave you with a sense of euphoria and impaired gross motor functions. To compute how much you need to gulp down per hour to get wasted, multiply your body weight by 3 and convert to oz. The only side effect is a full bladder that demands to be emptied often, and with extreme prejudice, but you can turn this into a positive by dating someone who enjoys being urinated on, like Jennifer Love Hewitt or Zach Braff.
The blue diamond marshmallows from Lucky Charms cereal It may be time-consuming to separate this shape from the rest, but worth it for the amphetamine-esque rush it provides when crushed and snorted. The marshmallows are "cleaner" than actual meth, and have no hangover or crash. I Swiffered the whole apartment, cooked Thanksgiving dinner for next year, and spell-checked the entire Microsoft Word dictionary. Warning: Be sure to grind them into a fine powder; when researching this one, I got 3 Cocoa Puffs stuck in my nose, and my mom seemed really disappointed.